9.05.2012

Labor Day at the beach... Much better than last year

Where to start? Well hope you are doing well. There I'm being a well trained person. I extended the expected niceties. Do you feel validated? I really want for you to respond to me and query how I am. I have no connection to your well being. This interaction helps me to stay sober by not feeling isolated. I don't wish you harm, but I don't REALLY care how you are. Now that may seem harsh but I think I owe you that much honesty if we're talking about sobriety. I'm at 85 days. I think its good to count the time behind me but not the time in front of me. I can't predict the future.
 I had a real struggle the past few days. I went to the beach with some people, a place that I used to drink with my ex, and I fought my recurring thought to wallow in what was and my responsibility in making things that way. All of these thoughts were causing me pain and making me want to drink, what I normally do to ease my pain. Realizing this I was able to slowly turn my thoughts to the two beautiful women I was hanging out with, my recovery homeboy, and start to re associate this place I love with new memories. Then my sick thinking said," feel guilty for feeling good". Well I think I am more than the sum of my past actions, and though I have done some shitty stuff in the past, I am still worth loving. If to no one else than to myself. So I strive everyday not to remember the mistakes that I made while living a diseased life of addiction, and not define myself by them. I let my resentments burn into my thoughts and let them overtake new experiences, depriving my sense of wonder at new things by dwelling in the pain of old ideas. If I do this I will drink again to relive the pain. This is not the destination.
Nor the goal of this path I've set myself on. Now after I got home the old habit of laying in bed and rehashing the past, wondering "what if", and missing what I used to have started to creep back up. The surprising thing is that as I sat and wanted to be angry at life, I found that I genuinely wasn't. I wanted to hate the girl, myself, God, the treatment center all that stuff. But I didn't feel it. This time I had the sense to not try to push the negative energy forward. I lay in my bed in amazement that I didn't feel the shitty way that I had become accustomed too. I still hate the stupidity of naive folks and wishful thinkers, but that is just my application of logic and fact. I didn't feel anything but pity towards the ex because she is still in active addiction. It will take some time for me to forgive me fully, but I have a understanding that MY god knew that I wouldn't have gotten it right any other way. The dumb ass prick at the center who antagonizes me doesn't deserve the power I have given him, and if his sobriety is so fuckin' miserable I don't want it the way he has it (I do want happy sobriety). I also talked to my sponsor who after letting me go at it alone, intuitively knew I was dangerously stuck and threw me a life line. So after a bout of pain and remorse I find today the exact opposite of the last few weeks. By letting go I have gained the very thing I was wanting. So i guess the point of all of this is: If you are about to relapse hold on and just keep going to meetings, and let go of the anger. The anger almost cost me more than I was willing to pay. The emotional shit will pass, and you will feel back on top. I got slack in my attention to my recovery and let external bullshit threaten it, it was a close call. I DO   still wish I could undo the havoc I wreaked in my life, but I can't. What I can do is not let it continue to do it by making me seek refuge in the bottle. Well that's how I feel right now, as things are supposed to be. If you want your life back go to a 12 step meeting and determine if you have felt enough pain. If you are like me you will say enough is enough. Then just do what they say to do, to get what they have.
Come check out some music from me here
and here....