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XULUSTORESPACEROOTSROCKiTUNES

KILLING OPTIMIST WITH REALITY

YOUR WISHFUL THINKING WILL BEAR NO FRUIT

Light without beauty

the blood of my life, my ultimate refusal

to believe...

that you and I are the same

For you fight the infinite sadness

While I choose to embrace its whispers

In the spaces in between awake and asleep

So that truth may be revealed

Silly ghost!...There is no difference

Only degrees of separation in a circle

Systematic pressure, pushing on me

darkening the sky, for nothing is free

I can see you reaching out

for help from me

  

I can't trust my sight

Its let me down

Baby I cant save you 

Your soul has no sound.

International Recovery Community.

Peace and blessings to the folks in other lands

Hey pop tarts, I looked at the demographics of where this blog is being read, and I am pleased that it is being read in other places. I think we all have a common bond of addiction. Of course I realize that most of these hits are looking for something I tagged the post with. I did that with the remembrance of the things I used to search while I was using. So look in your community for resources that can help you. 

I think addicts are the strongest folks in the world.

We all go thru some pain in life, most folks adapt and adjust within a reasonable amount of time. Some of us internalize the hurt and find we cant let go. Then we wind up self-medicating, not the best reaction, but all humans are hard wired to avoid pain. The thing I learned in treatment is that addiction requires time+abuse+a genetic disposition. That's why some folks can use and not become addicts. The things we subject ourselves to in active addiction would break most folks. Send them to the mental institutions. I don't think that the square people could handle the homelessness, hunger, prostitution, anger, fights, feelings of worthlessness, etc. etc. that our addictions bring us. The trauma we experience that pushes us to get fucked up in itself is a testimony to our resilience. So where do you go when your soul gets rocked? When you have had enough you will get help. I personally don't think anyone can get clean for any length of time on there own. That has been my experience. 

I wish you heaven

Hey all, I will be fast asleep when this post. If you need help find the toll free number for AA or NA in your country. There is a way out of this. Stay safe and be cool. 

Art, Fashion and Music Through My Eyes: Xuluprophet

Art, Fashion and Music Through My Eyes: Xuluprophet: This past week I have had the pleasure in doing a photo shoot with Roger Rogers. He is the man behind Xuluprophet music. He is a great man w...

Art, Fashion and Music Through My Eyes: Xuluprophet

Art, Fashion and Music Through My Eyes: Xuluprophet: This past week I have had the pleasure in doing a photo shoot with Roger Rogers. He is the man behind Xuluprophet music. He is a great man w...

Labor Day at the beach... Much better than last year

Where to start? Well hope you are doing well. There I'm being a well trained person. I extended the expected niceties. Do you feel validated? I really want for you to respond to me and query how I am. I have no connection to your well being. This interaction helps me to stay sober by not feeling isolated. I don't wish you harm, but I don't REALLY care how you are. Now that may seem harsh but I think I owe you that much honesty if we're talking about sobriety. I'm at 85 days. I think its good to count the time behind me but not the time in front of me. I can't predict the future.

 I had a real struggle the past few days. I went to the beach with some people, a place that I used to drink with my ex, and I fought my recurring thought to wallow in what was and my responsibility in making things that way. All of these thoughts were causing me pain and making me want to drink, what I normally do to ease my pain. Realizing this I was able to slowly turn my thoughts to the two beautiful women I was hanging out with, my recovery homeboy, and start to re associate this place I love with new memories. Then my sick thinking said," feel guilty for feeling good". Well I think I am more than the sum of my past actions, and though I have done some shitty stuff in the past, I am still worth loving. If to no one else than to myself. So I strive everyday not to remember the mistakes that I made while living a diseased life of addiction, and not define myself by them. I let my resentments burn into my thoughts and let them overtake new experiences, depriving my sense of wonder at new things by dwelling in the pain of old ideas. If I do this I will drink again to relive the pain. This is not the destination.

Nor the goal of this path I've set myself on. Now after I got home the old habit of laying in bed and rehashing the past, wondering "what if", and missing what I used to have started to creep back up. The surprising thing is that as I sat and wanted to be angry at life, I found that I genuinely wasn't. I wanted to hate the girl, myself, God, the treatment center all that stuff. But I didn't feel it. This time I had the sense to not try to push the negative energy forward. I lay in my bed in amazement that I didn't feel the shitty way that I had become accustomed too. I still hate the stupidity of naive folks and wishful thinkers, but that is just my application of logic and fact. I didn't feel anything but pity towards the ex because she is still in active addiction. It will take some time for me to forgive me fully, but I have a understanding that MY god knew that I wouldn't have gotten it right any other way. The dumb ass prick at the center who antagonizes me doesn't deserve the power I have given him, and if his sobriety is so fuckin' miserable I don't want it the way he has it (I do want happy sobriety). I also talked to my sponsor who after letting me go at it alone, intuitively knew I was dangerously stuck and threw me a life line. So after a bout of pain and remorse I find today the exact opposite of the last few weeks. By letting go I have gained the very thing I was wanting. So i guess the point of all of this is: If you are about to relapse hold on and just keep going to meetings, and let go of the anger. The anger almost cost me more than I was willing to pay. The emotional shit will pass, and you will feel back on top. I got slack in my attention to my recovery and let external bullshit threaten it, it was a close call. I DO   still wish I could undo the havoc I wreaked in my life, but I can't. What I can do is not let it continue to do it by making me seek refuge in the bottle. Well that's how I feel right now, as things are supposed to be. If you want your life back go to a 12 step meeting and determine if you have felt enough pain. If you are like me you will say enough is enough. Then just do what they say to do, to get what they have.
Come check out some music from me here
and here....

Deleting Memories

This is the shit I believed in, that's why I'm pissed.

Xuluprophet Rogers
Hey baby
You don't know what you have done for me, I've tried sending you messages and calls

but i think i have to go by cricket and fix some shit. you gave me enough breathing

space during this stressful time and allowed me to gather my strength back. I'm on

break from work and will get at you in a bit. I can't thank you enough or express my

desire to be there for you should you ever need me.nothing can stop me now thank

you Ambrosia

April 13, 2010AMBROSIA
Roger, please know how happy I am to be able to help you in any way that I can. I

really do care so much about you and want the very best for you. I have faith in you ~

you're capable of ANYTHING! I look forward to seeing you again as soon as possible.
Love,
A.

April 13, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
im at the crib with a halfway decent connect. hit me if you're up

April 13, 2010AMBROSIA
Hey, babe. I tried your phone and got a recording from Cricket.

April 29, 2010AMBROSIA
Hey
"I wish I was in Maine, do you know the place? VACATION LAND. 123 HIGH ST.

The devil ain't ON speed dial no mas nunca mas.? quiero amor verdad? luego matame

porfavor!"
So I see this post of yours and I think, if he misses Maine so much, and he told me I

feel like Maine to him, why haven't I heard from him in days?
I'm leaving for Tennessee this morning and will be back Sunday. I hope you're well and

hope to hear from you soon.
Ambrosia

May 12, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
i miss you
and i love you and i am not afraid. if you want to try i will. i know I've been a prick,

but i am scared of this feeling. and what will become of me if you go away. and if you

don't wanna deal with me i understand, but its not what i want.

May 23, 2010AMBROSIA
Hey babe,
I decided to write you a message because I have trouble finding and putting together

the right words when I'm sitting face to face with you ~ I'm easily distracted. I really

want to see you but I've gotta get some shit out first. I've been soul searching and

trying to figure some stuff out in my head this weekend. And I've been stressing about

you. I've been thinking about expectations, which you've asked me about, and just

how I really feel and what I really want. When you tell me you're in love with me, I

don't take that lightly, and I really hadn't been able to determine how I felt about that

at first. I mean, I've had very conflicted feelings, right from the get-go with you. My

experience with you has been an intense whirlwind, and as I hang on for dear life I

fear the end. I miss you- actually, I crave you when you're not around... and then when

I get to see you I feel like you rarely get the best of me. I'm either drunk and/or

stoned or I'm tired as hell because it's usually so late for me. And yet, you make me

feel so good ~ in every way... the things you say to me, the way you touch me and

react to my affection... you make me feel wanted and desired and needed... and I want

it all so much it scares me. I find myself asking, "How will this ever work out?" At

times it seems doomed to me ~ like this just can't last. It breaks my heart to tell you

that, but it also breaks my heart to feel something so negative about us.

I guess I said all that to say this: I've fallen in love with you, too, Roger. I thought I

had been in love before, but I've never known anything quite like this in my life. And

yet, we both know it takes more than love. And we both have a lot of shit on our

plates, responsibilities, etc., that we each need to deal with. Our schedules, our

geographic distance, and your lack of transportation are going to keep us apart more

than I'm used to. I realize you're used to being on your own, but I'm not. Don't get me

wrong ~ I'm happy to be living by myself and finally independent, but I'm just

accustomed to spending a lot of time with my "significant other." I just wanted you to

know that's where I'm coming from, but I am willing to adjust. I really need to get my

car worked on before I drive to GSO too many more times, but after a lot of crazy,

circular, rambling thought, I decided I really do want in on this, if you're still

interested despite knowing my fears and reservations.

I miss you and look forward to seeing you soon.

June 4, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
hey babe how r u? I miss you. I think i might check my self into detox today. I've been

boozing to long and I've got to do something. stay with me

June 7, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
hey r u there

June 7, 2010AMBROSIA
I am now!

June 7, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
will you be able to fix up your web cam and talk

June 7, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
hey I'm at Matt's

June 7, 2010AMBROSIA
May I pick u up at your apartment at 5:30pm tomorrow (Tues)?

June 7, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
please

June 7, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
can you talk online now
or do you still have to finish giving the new bf the once over

June 10, 2010Xuluprophet Rogers
i love you just so you know

x

From another point of view.

This is a post from a friend of mine from yesterday, I want to get some feedback. Its a pretty sentiment.

DIVINE CONFIRMATION..... IT'S TIME TO OPEN UP!!!!!!! 
REAL PEOPLE, EXPECT REAL CHANGE(s)!

The people that don't accept where you are now are the same people that never accepted who you were from the beginning! KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!!! THEY AC...CEPTED WHAT THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE EITHER TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK GOOD, FOR THE FACT YOU WERE USEFUL OR FOR THE FACT THEY WANTED TO MOLD YOU INTO SOM

ETHING THEY WANTED TO SEE! Innerstand, This is where your real fr(enemies)/fa(nemies) become revealed when tested with you through whatever transitions you decided take for oneself.... I say this simply because REAL PEOPLE regardless of their title, love & appreciate you regardless! They EXPECT CHANGE & welcome it for you if they understand it or not... & when completely concerned they try to come together with you (communicate) to innerstand YOUR JOURNEY minus their own personal judgements & bias forms of thinking to truly show their love & respect for whatever relationship stats they hold with you when HONESTLY VALUED! Also if needed they might possibly add advice to HELP YOU rarely is it to detour you from whatever you apparently need to learn for oneself for they could overstand you could possibly come back & help them or not with what you learned.... One last thing to overstand is the POWER IN TITLES many people want it to have certain positions of power within or over your life.... K(NOW) THIS TRICK AS WELL IT'S A TRICK SO WELL PRODUCED/TAUGHT THAT WE DO IT TO ONE ANOTHER, GROW FROM THIS.... SEE IT FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS & LET IT BE NOT AN HINDERANCE FOR YOU TO BE YOU! EVEN IF THEY WERE BIRTHRIGHT TITLES GIVEN THAT YOU'VE HEARD OUT THE WOMB.... OVERSTAND THAT TITLES ARE JUST THAT & THE BEING OF THE PERSON IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH SEEING WHO THAT SPIRIT REALLY IS!

So, I say to many.. BE NOT DISCOURAGED FROM YOU TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE & NOT NEEDING SOMEONE ELSES SUPPORT TO DO IT! THAT'S THE BEGINNING MATURITY.... BE HAPPY THAT YOU CAN NOW SEE WHAT YOU ONCE DIDN'T, THAT MEANS GROWTH... YOUR DOING SOMETHING RIGHT! LABEL NOT YOUR ENEMIES ANYMORE FOR THAT GIVES THEM STILL POWER THROUGH THEIR TITLES THAT THEY NO LONGER DESERVE!

SHARE..... TELL SOMEONE! NOW DO YOU VALUE MY OPINION???!!! SOUND HONEST ENOUGH?

I ONCE KNEW THAT PERSON BUT I DON'T NOW BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ME.... THEY CHOOSE NOT TO! SO, OH WELL... I HAVE OTHERS I'M PREPARING TO MEET SOON! LIFE IS ABOUT GROWTH, MEETING NEW PEOPLE & LOVING ALL THINGS... NEVER HINDER YOUR OWN SELVES, ONLY YOU CAN GIVE SOMEONE ELSE THE POWER TO DO SO! ;) (anonymous)

GALAXY ROCKER: Logic

GALAXY ROCKER: Logic:     You can change your mind, but you can't change your destiny. I just heard that on the radio, and I don't know if I agree with that. If...

Logic

    You can change your mind, but you can't change your destiny. I just heard that on the radio, and I don't know if I agree with that. If that's true then why are those of us who get sick and tired of being sick and tired able to, with help, get away from our addictions. The flux in my recovery right  now is switching my old way of thinking for a new and positive point of view. I try to eliminate emotion from my outlook and see things only from a point of logic. This could be dangerous, I might be just trying to substitute logic for alcohol and avoid emotion. I hate the way I felt last night as I lay in my room, but something in me told me that I had to go through it. In order to get to  the other side of healing.

  So I go through two bitch moves today, One from a musician I'm supposed to be working with, another from a female I thought was in my corner. Neither of them had the balls to tell me that they had other projects going on that would demand their attention. Now that kind of omission of information is paramount to lying, and it pisses me off. Logic says that I should just try to understand where they are coming from, and realize that they may not be mature enough to be direct. I'm still pissed...WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY- You punk ass chumps

Pissed off

Little shit trying to eat at me

Sobriety is shaky today. I had the devil chasing me in my dreams all night and she was vicious!! I wish I could get through this part of my recovery much quicker. I don't like being alone all the time, living with seven other motherfuckers. I had a conversation with a friend who, brought up old memories unintentionally. I don't blame the friend, it wasn't a malicious conversation. Or a deliberate jab at my psyche. I just need to remember in this process of recovery that I will have to deal with emotions that I haven't had to experience in their entirety. I had a singer do some old ill backstabbing shit, like try to teach another guitar player my music.These things are angering me but my resentments will cause me to relapse, so I must let them go. I hope you are able to do the same thing. I'm off to work, where I will be able to step outside of my own head for a bit. 

I'd like to say hello to the readers that I have in other countries. Addiction knows no boundaries so we are all in this together. May you find peace in sobriety. Feel free to use this as a place where you can communicate with another addict if you have no other place you feel comfortable.

GALAXY ROCKER: deconstruction and the death of children

GALAXY ROCKER: deconstruction and the death of children: Construction begins with destruction nothing can be built  without something being torn apart. even with thoughts and dreams, everyt...

want not will not

I'm huddled in your want not + will not of forever
Those burning ties that bind have me tethered
Set me free let me be the mind begs to flee
The heart yearns to stay but what has passed on yesterday
Where were you, you touch but in whose arms
did you lay/ My memory lapses, my hard drive crashes against your waves of deception
my transgression unwilling to release my heart's obsession.


Huddled in the want not will not of forever
Only the more clever that chose safer endeavors
I wrapped my arms in the heart and arms
at Arie's pleasure smile broad impassioned
and odd now cold and wet i shiver with nightmarish glee
this being the sea I wait and wade through
endless judgement maybe sleep will come all of the sudden
Spare me the eyes that gaze in not knowing things
I've seen without ever showing my label not fear
but anxiety glowing and shining through the corner I've encamped
mysterious bliss is filling my ear command is given that
signals all clear.

deconstruction and the death of children

Construction begins with destruction

nothing can be built 

without something being torn apart.

even with thoughts and dreams, everything that discourages and causes self-doubt MUST be eliminated,

before the building begins.

Victory is never built up until the walls of fear crumble.

It is most important to remain constant in construction, or become the victim of destruction.

It is as complicated as building a new empire after destroying a faulty one.

Yet as simple as watching life destroy the innocence of a child- to create an adult.

14 days sleeping on the river

14 days baby/ I saw no light
Change my mind/ well bitch I might
you really look in pain baby/so cry or shit your eyes
really don't matter to try/cause I can see ain't nothin changed

TRIPPIN

I
Trippin off and away with love
Just around the corner is a bomb waiting to go off
She asked me what I was trying to say
I said love, she said go away
She betrayed me on good Friday
II
I was trying to say love could keep us warm
She said she felt like she was fine
and liked moving on
But love don't care who it chooses
The girl made sure she wouldn't be losing
Now she can just get out
III
Little Mr.s Rain said she wouldn't settle
I think she smiled a little when she watched as I fell
Had the nerve to wanna keep the friend
As much as this hurts me baby this is the end
Cause breaking trust is just
like a sin.

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1st Time attempt at sobriety

11:39 PM 8/22/2012

I was in a treatment center detoxing for 3 days back in 2007. I had just started going with this young bueatiful hot thing we'll call Trixxie ( damn she was fine). I had borrowed a guitar from a good friend named Nisha and was still missing the Colombian mountian girl a bit. I felt like if I didn't stop drinking I would never know peace or happiness. I still feel that way, but today I didn't drink so I'm ok for now. I had a good woman pop into my life who introduced me to recovery, and as reluctant and scared as I was, I gave what I thought at the time was a honest effort. The second night in the treatment center the moon was out, I was in Burlington N.C., and near a railroad track. They let us go outside for cigarettes. I'm copying this off of the original paper that I scribbled it on. 

April 27 2007-Alamance Co. 10:00pm

dm am dm G (slide) am
verse
Trains going by carrying lives
Pondering years gone by, underneath this half-moon sky
Librium and juice to rinse my soul
25 years of destruction and no control
whats to be when I leave this place
no more suicide or disgrace
just want what everyone wants
a little place under the sun
Freedom is comming in two or more ways
long, long road and the piper wants his pay
continue this line I'm walking
thats all there is,  a early grave
so I'm waiting for tomorrow with all it promise
gonna have to say goodbye to some ffriends
but its god I've got to see on my last day
Amends...its the price I pay
wasted time you can never get back, regrets and where its at.
so move along you didn't, to get here today
gettin' home may take some time
12 lonely steps to heaven
1200 ways 2 get back to hell.

12:03 AM 8/23/2012

Step 1

i don't want to be a burden so bombs away.bomb yourself.
scrub the creamatory of the left over skin. That what the hell you left behind, dust, ya know skin. look under your nails. MAKE A BARGAIN WITH THE DEVIL AND BE OK FOR TODAY.
11:22 AM 8/20/2012

This first and most important stage of recovery comes as a really jagged pill to swallow. I mean who wants to admit that they got their ass kicked by booze? Especially for 28 years! That is what I came to. I have been through all kinds of pain, head problems, loss...but it was a simple bottle that brought me to my knees. I should probably go back a few months or years to get to this part but I think that it is ultimately important that the reader understands what I'm getting at.

"ready to admit that my life had become unmanageable" whew! thats a mouthfull at first, but getting into the meat of that statement is some shit. I could not hold a job, relationship, home or any of the stuff that non-addicts are able to do with ease. all because of a spiritual sickness. I say spiritual sickness not in a religious sense, but in the sense of who a person is. 

WAR IN THE HOUSE

Days trailing away as I sit in the

fog and blackest haze

Wearily approaching my beginning

The ending I just came from

hits my dawn nightly beauty undone

with steps imploding fury that

mounted pursed lips ungluing

lashing and whipping two tongues pursuing

Disagreements so filled with

hate our golden pot smacks of love

too late

As our eyes meet laden with sadness